"I will praise you in this storm..."
"Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come?... His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me."
But this time, during this trial, I keep singing "How great is our God?"
All throughout the Bible, we are told to be thankful for the sufferings we endure. It's easy to read. It's easy to say. But when it comes down to putting it into action, it's one of the hardest things to do.
I love music and that's why I always surround myself with lyrics and songs that fit the situation I'm in. It helps bring me to a state of worship and gives me the words to pray. It seems bizarre that this is the song placed on my heart during this past month.
In Chris Tomlin's song "How Great is Our God," those 5 words are repeated over and over.
"How great is our God?
Sing with me, how great is our God?
And all will see how great, how great is our God."
I almost laugh because the last thing I want to chant to myself in the midst of struggle is "how great is this?!"
I can answer that question now.
About a month ago, my heart completely broke. I fell in love with someone I never met and mourned their death at the same exact time. I had a miscarriage. Brandon and I were unaware that I was even pregnant. It was hands down the most traumatic thing I've ever had to deal with. I had so many questions. I wanted all the answers but also wanted everything to go away. I didn't know how to express my feelings. I didn't know how to let Brandon or anyone else help me. I felt so broken.
Last week, I lost my job. I was teaching at a nearby elementary school. There were economical and social problems and finally it all had to end. I was embarrassed, scared, and shocked. I didn't know about the future. I couldn't deal with the present. I wanted to hide from the world. I didn't want to show my face to anyone.
Rumors have started. Looks have been given.
How great is our God?
I didn't write this blog to get sympathy. I wanted to be transparent, real. I wanted to get out everything that's been inside of me for the past month. All the heartache, trouble, and struggles. I wanted everyone to know the truth. And the truth is that God is still in control of my life. He is the beginning and the end. He orchestrated everything that has happened, is happening, and will happen. I shouldn't need "good" things to happen for me to realize how great He truly is.
Through these trials, I've gained two things, faith and hope. Faith in that no matter what I think is best for me and my family, God has even better desires and dreams for me. Faith in Him to always be consistent in His love for me. I gained hope, that one day it very well may be possible for me to have children. I have endometriosis. It's scared me to think about the possibility of not having children. The odds are 50/50 but I serve a God that is the ultimate physician and I know He can heal me. I have hope that there's an even better job out there for me. God knew my heart was torn between teaching and something else. I can now smile in the middle of everything because even though I don't know where He's taking me, I know He won't ever let me go.
That's how great He is.