We never want to take for granted the things God has given us.
Until we have seemingly everything, but that one thing...
Brandon and I have been fairly quiet about our struggle. Out of respect for others and mostly because of being at a loss for words. We know we aren’t alone and this journey has made our marriage and testimonies even stronger.
We spent years watching women becoming mothers and men becoming fathers.
I spent years crying every month when another test failed.
We spent thousands of dollars on doctors with no answers.
I spent countless prayers asking "why?"
We spent hours searching for comfort, articles to explain our situation.
I spent hours in waiting rooms, nervously swaying in my seat.
In our lives, this news is more than a positive pregnancy test and ultrasound.
It carries the pain and years of infertility, negative results, and baffled doctors.
My heart can truly rejoice, because I've felt the emptiness of infertility.
But I will never be able to forget the pain of infertility. I won't forget the women that I've met that still struggle with infertility.
I've read stories similar to the one I'm writing now, with tears in my eyes and jealousy in my heart. I've rolled my eyes and exclaimed "Great for you. It's easy for you to trust in God and give Him everything, but nothing is working for me and I'm still hurting."
I've been there. That's been my home for almost three years. I still fight the temptation to be back in that mindset.
More than share our good news, I want to offer comfort to those hurting. I want our testimony to be heard.
I never want to be insensitive to those who are still hurting.
There isn't a fix-all.
I know you’ve heard it before; God brings families together in many different ways.
Adoption. IVF. Foster. Naturally.
But sometimes, He doesn’t bring what we believe should be ours.
To everyone that knew about our struggle over the past few years, the prayers, encouragement, and shoulders to cry on have meant more than you will ever know.
Everyone has a different story and this is ours.
I want the shame that comes with infertility to be banished.
I want there to be nothing but a positive outlook for women and men that struggle with this.
It's not fair.
But, it's not your fault.
God had to break me and allow me to have nothing, so I could see everything He's done.
I had to be content with nothing. To truly realize that He was in control and nothing I did would change the outcome.
Be content with nothing but Him.
But what about the solid, godly women and men who can't have children?
"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. "But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."
If it’s His will, He is able.
Even if not, He is still God.
Even if we weren't pregnant, He is still God.
Even if I stayed infertile for the rest of my life, He is still God.
With this child, I will serve my God.
In raising this child, I will glorify my King.
In our testimony, I want God’s faithfulness to be evident, even if we weren’t given healing.
I wish we were all promised healing. If I had a magic potion, I'd share it with all the hurting women. But, I have a God, and I have His love. Ultimately, that's all I've ever needed.
For those that are hurting from miscarriage to infertility, you are not alone. I understand the shame and guilt that you’re feeling. I’ve dealt with the disappointment and false hopes. I’ve lived the silent war of infertility.
I never want to be insensitive to ones still in pain. We aren't all promised healing. It's not your fault. You are still a vital part of God's plan. I don’t have the perfect Bible verse to speak straight into your heart, or a deep theological explanation for your suffering. All I have is, I’ve been there, and I’m so sorry for your pain.
I will never take for granted the blessing God has given Brandon and me. I am even more joyous because of the path that we had to go on to get here.
Joining us, January of 2015, baby Crews.